Phyllis Diller Quotes

45 Phyllis Diller quotes:

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."
"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
"You know you're old if your walker has an airbag."
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing."
"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

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