Jack Handy Quotes


41 Jack Handy quotes:



"Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Class Quotes
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Emotions Quotes
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Science Quotes
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Culture Quotes
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Death Quotes
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Family Quotes
"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Hope Quotes
"I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, ""Hey, progress."" Boy, did I have a lot to learn."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Progress Quotes
"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: History Quotes
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Peace Quotes
"I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Women Quotes



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