Jack Handy Quotes


41 Jack Handy quotes:



"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Culture Quotes
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Emotions Quotes
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Fear Quotes
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Family Quotes
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."
"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Believe Quotes
"I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: College Quotes
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Death Quotes
"I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Babies Quotes
"Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Class Quotes
"If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say, 'How do you figger that!' real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Class Quotes
"If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Class Quotes
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handy Quotes Category: Funny Quotes



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