Jack Handey Quotes


12 Jack Handey quotes:



"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point."
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Family Quotes
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me."
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live"
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live"
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Funny Love Quotes
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
Author: Handey Quotes Category: Sports Quotes



inspirational quote database

Successories, the leaders of inspiration and motivation, has unlocked iQuote: The Inspirational Quote Database, a curated collection of the most inspirational quotes. Raise your iQ and become a Quoteologist today!