Erma Bombeck Quotes


93 Erma Bombeck quotes:



"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."
"Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."
"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."
"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
"I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: Appearance Quotes
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: Action Quotes
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: Direction Quotes
"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: Life Quotes
"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
"Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: American Journalist Quotes Attachment Quotes
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."



inspirational quote database

Successories, the leaders of inspiration and motivation, has unlocked iQuote: The Inspirational Quote Database, a curated collection of the most inspirational quotes. Raise your iQ and become a Quoteologist today!