Dave Barry Quotes

"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."

"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent."

"User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean idiot."

"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'"

"The most powerful force in the universe is gossip."

"I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up"

"Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato."

"one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurricane of hypocrisy, hokum and hype."

"If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle."

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

"A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is."

"The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species."

"What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers."