Dave Barry Quotes
118 Dave Barry quotes:
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
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"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent."
American Journalist Quotes
Teenager Quotes
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"User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean idiot."
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"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'"
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"The most powerful force in the universe is gossip."
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"I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up"
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"Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato."
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"one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurricane of hypocrisy, hokum and hype."
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"If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle."
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"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
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"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
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"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."
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"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
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"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
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"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
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"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."
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"A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is."
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"The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species."
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"What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers."
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