Emo Philips Quotes
35 Emo Philips quotes:
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
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"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
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"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
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"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
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"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
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"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
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"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
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"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
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"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
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"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
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"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
American Comedian Quotes
Humor Quotes
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"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
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"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
American Comedian Quotes
Insanity Quotes
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"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
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"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
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"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
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"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
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