Emo Philips Quotes

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"