Emo Philips Quotes


35 quotes:

"When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: Goodness Quotes
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: Bed Quotes
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Luck Quotes
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Men And Women Quotes
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
Author: Philips Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes

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