Emo Philips Quotes

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."