Andy Rooney Quotes

"Anyone who lies golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens."

"If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one"

"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

"The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment."

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you."

"If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it."

"If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it."

"People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe."

"The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread."

"There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?"

"The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough."

"It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything."

"Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose."

"Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens."

"Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads."

"Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of."

"Elephants and grandchildren never forget."

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."