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Rita Rudner Quotes

38 Rita Rudner quotes:

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior"
Author: Rudner Quotes Category: Men Quotes
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one."
"It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was."
"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."
Author: Rudner Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Ballet Quotes
"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
Author: Rudner Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Pets Quotes
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow."
Author: Rudner Quotes Category: Mother Quotes
"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
Author: Rudner Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Medical Quotes

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