Stephen Wright Quotes


96 Stephen Wright quotes:



"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Fingers Quotes
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Museums Quotes
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Fishing Quotes
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."



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