Stephen Wright Quotes

96 Stephen Wright quotes:

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Cleverness Quotes
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Language Quotes
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
"We need to encourage policies that recognize that being a little long in electricity is much better for consumers than being a little short,"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Electricity Quotes
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

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