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Stephen Wright Quotes

96 Stephen Wright quotes:

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Christmas Quotes
"Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Christmas Quotes
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Cheating Quotes
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Dreams Quotes
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Fire Quotes
"Reasonably benign economic environment, nothing too threatening with either (political) party. . .either party coming in will still mean continuation of reasonable economic growth."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Environment Quotes
"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded"
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Ideas Quotes
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Sleep Quotes
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Museums Quotes
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Fishing Quotes
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

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