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Stephen Wright Quotes

96 Stephen Wright quotes:

"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded"
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Fire Quotes
"He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Ideas Quotes
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Sleep Quotes
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Cheating Quotes
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Christmas Quotes
"Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Christmas Quotes
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Dreams Quotes
"Reasonably benign economic environment, nothing too threatening with either (political) party. . .either party coming in will still mean continuation of reasonable economic growth."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Environment Quotes
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

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