Joan Rivers Quotes

41 Joan Rivers quotes:

"He who limps is still walking."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Action Quotes
"No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes England Quotes
"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."

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