Joan Rivers Quotes

41 Joan Rivers quotes:

"Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds"
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Food Quotes
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
"He who limps is still walking."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Action Quotes
"No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined."
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
"Never floss with a stranger."
"A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Women Quotes
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Chinese Quotes
"My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Children Quotes Letters Quotes
"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present."
Author: Rivers Quotes Category: Optimism Quotes Indian Poet Quotes

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