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American Comedian Quotes

2575 American Comedian quotes:

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."
"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now."
"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."
"The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic."

inspirational quote database

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