British Comedian Quotes


301 British Comedian quotes:



"Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same thing, isn't it?"
"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"
"Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are."
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."
"Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others."
"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'"
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified."
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down."
"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red."
Author: Vine Quotes Category: British Comedian Quotes Chinese Quotes
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."
"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
"MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic."
"This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute."


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