Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer."

"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me."

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'"

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."

"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"

"Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles."

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."