Mitch Hedberg Quotes


85 quotes:

"You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Night Quotes
"My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Music Quotes
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'"
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Music Quotes
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Hate Quotes
"Why are there no during pictures."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'"
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Food Quotes
"I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Eyes Quotes
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Dreams Quotes
"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Dogs Quotes
"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Devil Quotes
"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Dance And Dancing Quotes
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'"
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Comedy Quotes
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Comedy Quotes
"Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Clothes Quotes
"A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer."
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Christmas Quotes

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