Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."