Jay Leno Quotes
44 Jay Leno quotes:
"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."
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American Comedian Quotes
"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most."
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American Comedian Quotes
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
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American Comedian Quotes
Doctors Quotes
"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."
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American Comedian Quotes
Mother Quotes
"Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors."
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American Comedian Quotes
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
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American Comedian Quotes
"Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!"
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American Comedian Quotes
Valentine's Day Quotes
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
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American Comedian Quotes
"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up."
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American Comedian Quotes
"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets."
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American Comedian Quotes
"You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh."
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American Comedian Quotes
Laughter Quotes
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."
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American Comedian Quotes
"Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner."
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American Comedian Quotes
"Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers."
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American Comedian Quotes
Magic Quotes
"For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!"
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American Comedian Quotes
"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."
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American Comedian Quotes
Doctors Quotes
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
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Funny Quotes
American Comedian Quotes
"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."
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American Comedian Quotes
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."
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American Comedian Quotes
"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own."
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American Comedian Quotes
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