Jay Leno Quotes


44 quotes:

"He seemed a little scripted in his speech,"
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Speech Quotes
"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good?Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Self Quotes
"Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!"
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Scientists Quotes
"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Leaders And Leadership Quotes
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Law Quotes
"You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Laughter Quotes
"Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Jobs Quotes
"I believe this is the first time in the history of the race where the pace car has more horsepower than the actual race car. So theoretically, I could blow them into the weeds."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: History Quotes
"The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Friends Or Friendship Quotes
"According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Fitness Quotes
"Marriage is grand. Divorce is twenty grand."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Divorce Quotes
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Democracy Quotes
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Defeat Quotes
"Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?"
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Complaints And Complaining Quotes
"President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Communication Quotes
"A week later, President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said 'Hey, don't blame me, I was on vacation.' ... The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Blame Quotes
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Beginning Quotes
"Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: Baseball Quotes
"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own."
Author: Leno Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes

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