George Carlin Quotes

72 George Carlin quotes:

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down."
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Aggression Quotes
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
"They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it."
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Dreams Quotes
"When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of "nothing"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Country Quotes
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose"
"If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Comedy Quotes
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Children Quotes
"The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Deception Quotes
"When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse"
"We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket"
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ..."
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"
Author: Carlin Quotes Category: Funny Quotes

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