Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


57 Rodney Dangerfield quotes:



"At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."
"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie."
"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Life is just a bowl of pits."
"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette."
Author: Dangerfield Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Cigarette Quotes



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