Dennis Miller Quotes


35 Dennis Miller quotes:



"It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity."
"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."
"Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again."
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."
"I lapsed into rude."
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."
Author: Miller Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Chess Quotes
"One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech."
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."
"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"
"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."
"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."
"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."
"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."
"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."



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