Steven Wright Quotes

36 Steven Wright quotes:

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Poetry Quotes
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
"Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?"
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
"At one point he decided enough was enough."
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Babies Quotes
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Memories Quotes

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