Steven Wright Quotes


36 Steven Wright quotes:



"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Fishing Quotes
"My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Poetry Quotes
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Birthday Quotes
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Legal Quotes
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Humor Quotes
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Babies Quotes
"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?"
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Babies Quotes
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney."
Author: Wright Quotes Category: Funny Quotes



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