Dave Barry Quotes


118 quotes:

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Women Quotes
"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Women Quotes
"What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Women Quotes
"If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Universe Quotes
"The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Technology Quotes
"UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Technology Quotes
"Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Technology Quotes
"Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Society Quotes
"Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said ""CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Sales Quotes
"I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Parents Quotes
"In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Nature Quotes
"My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Music Quotes
"I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know.” And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Memory Quotes
"And, I think it says something about Steve as a performer, and as a man, that no one noticed."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Man Quotes
"Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Living Quotes
"You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Life Quotes
"one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurricane of hypocrisy, hokum and hype."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Hypocrisy Quotes
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
Author: Barry Quotes Category: History Quotes
"I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up"
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Hate Quotes
"Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)"
Author: Barry Quotes Category: Golf Quotes

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