Dave Barry Quotes

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."

"And, I think it says something about Steve as a performer, and as a man, that no one noticed."

"I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know.” And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope."

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed."

"My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."

"In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion."

"I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."

"Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."

"I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd put it right up there."

"The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base."

"Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer."

"There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece."

"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."

"Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements..."

"One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet"