American Journalist Quotes

3417 American Journalist quotes:

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."
Author: Bombeck Quotes Category: American Journalist Quotes Child-raising Quotes
"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids."
"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
"Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.''"
"God created man, but I could do better."
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."
"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."
"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."
"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."
"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."
"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."
"For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy."
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."

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