Henry Youngman Quotes

49 Henry Youngman quotes:

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
Author: Youngman Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Holidays Quotes
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
Author: Youngman Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Brother Quotes
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"Take my wife... Please!"
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'"
"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."

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