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British Comedian Quotes

299 British Comedian quotes:

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"I feel like I'm working on an oil rig right now. I'm away from home a lot."
"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."
"There is barely a country in the world where you will be completely safe."
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
"Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples."
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."
"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years."
"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself."
"I don't have any message in the music. Music will be fine as long as you take care of yourself."
"There are two kinds of success. One is musical or artistic and the other is commercial."
"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away."
"Interplay and interaction are the integral parts of music - they're as important as the notes."
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount."
"All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person."
"Armageddon is not around the corner. This is only what the people of violence want us to believe. The complexity and diversity of the world is the hope for the future."
"I think you learn a lot about a country from its art. To me, it's part of the drama of life. It teaches you that there are places, moments and incidents in other cultures that genuinely have a life of their own."

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